When someone close to you dies it doesn't seem right, it doesn't seem fair - but it happens and when it does, it's scary for everyone.
It is important to know that there is no 'good' or 'bad',
'right' or 'wrong' way to feel or respond to the death of a loved
one.
If you have experienced the loss of a loved one it may help to
talk about your feelings with others. You will probably be relieved
to discover that you are not alone in feeling the way you do- other
people that knew your loved one are grieving too.
You may think other people are not grieving as much as you are,
but they probably are, just in a different way.* Grief can be
expressed in many different ways. Some people feel extreme sadness
and cry a lot. Others feel out of control and get angry. Some
people say they have a hard time sleeping while others sleep a lot.
However you feel and respond to your grief, you have the right to
experience your loss in your own way. It may help to know that you
won't always feel this bad. After a while the intense feelings will
decrease and more happy times will return. Sad thoughts may
continue to pop into your mind every so often, even when you are
enjoying yourself, but that is ok. When this occurs, try to
remember something special that you learned from your loved one, or
a happy time that you shared together that will always be with
you.
What helped me get through this difficult time is the
support from my many friends. Unfortunately, cancer at 18 has meant
I have lost contact with some, but its reinforced one friendship in
particular.
Prudence, Hawkes bay.
Remember your loved one often and as much as you need to. Look
at photographs, read old letters and retell your memories to
friends and other members of the family.
We wish there was a cure for cancer and that people did not die
from the disease. There is nothing you can do to change what has
happened, but there is much you can do to help yourself. Talk to
whomever you want, whenever you want. Find healthy ways to remove
yourself from what has happened and enjoy yourself every so often.
Don't be afraid to seek support from the people and those
organisations that are there to help you. You will be able to
honour the life of your loved one if you find ways to make meaning
from his or her life.
My best mate was my big brother Glendon who was 16 at
the time. I watched him slowly deteriorate before my eyes as he
battled cancer of the liver. The loss of my brother, my closest
mate had a huge impact on my life, but since I have been involved
with CanTeen, I can help other young people going through the same
harrowing experiences - and they can help me!
Hayden Webber.
*(Gootman, 1994, When a friend dies: A book for teens about
grieving and healing, Freespirit Publishing: USA)